


The Confessions of Ben Solo

by ashley_actually



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Family Feels, Family Issues, Gen, Not Romance, Skywalker
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-13
Updated: 2016-01-13
Packaged: 2018-05-13 20:09:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5715502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashley_actually/pseuds/ashley_actually
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kylo Ren has destroyed the new Jedi Order and taken his first steps in fulfilling his destiny. There's just one small problem...</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Confessions of Ben Solo

Kylo Ren had done it. He had torn down everything his old master had built. The fight had been messier than he had expected. He had killed before but not like this. These were people he would have recognized if he had allowed himself. There had been so much rain. The rain obscured his vision, and hindered his movements, but in the end it made it easier. The fight was messy but he didn’t hesitant. Victory was his, except for one small hiccup. The small hiccup herself was sleeping by his side. He had put her into a force trance. After everything she had seen, she didn’t even fight it.

“I hate you.” he told her. “Everything was fine before you came along. I knew who I was, my destiny. I was Luke Skywalker’s apprentice, his family. The Force is strong in our family. Mother was always worried about me, scared for me. Not Luke, it’s our choices that matter he said…there’s always a CHOICE!” He shouted the last word, anger tinged with sadness.

The little girl didn’t stir. Her breathing was deep and even. Kylo Ren stared at her, emotions competing on his face.

“You…took…everything from me.” Ren took a deep breath, through passion I gain strength.

He didn’t know why he was telling her all this. She couldn’t even hear him, not really. The fight had left him antsy. He needed to do something. He needed to talk. He wanted somebody to know.

“Training was always difficult. The Force IS strong with me, but not easy. I’d come home and find you sitting on my father’s knee. You’re just not a pilot he said to me once. It didn’t come naturally to me, not like you. Everything came easy to you. The force is strong with me…but it flows through you. I can feel it even now.”

“Revan, Luke named you, as if anyone deserved the name Revan Skywalker, as if anyone could bear it. When he named you I knew, I KNEW, what he planned for you. You would be the leader of his new Jedi order. I was his apprentice but you were his heir. I was eight years old and I had been replaced. Luke could sense my fear. He tried to reassure me, the Jedi don’t have a single leader, all of us were starting a new legacy together, but the way he looked at you I knew. You were his great hope. Not me.”

No one had ever looked at Ben Solo the way Luke looked at Revan. It was true love between father and daughter. He looked at her like she was an actual little ray of sunshine he got to hold in his hands. Ben’s parents loved him, of course they did, but he was not filled with light the way Revan was, he had too many shadows. Ben’s face was a little too long, and he was slightly too tall. He tripped over feet that he hadn’t grown into. And he was always so angry. The other kids used to say he must be part wookie…until the day he smashed in that loudmouth Rex’s face. Then they didn’t really say anything at all to him.

“There is no emotion only peace.” Ren said bitterly. “I tried to make my peace with you, I did try. For years I tried. And then mother. My mother who never answered my questions about the force, ask Uncle Luke she’d say. Who always looked at me like she was searching for something. My mother who never quite felt comfortable in a Jedi’s robes, she decided she would take on her first student. You. The first time she held you do you know what she felt? Relief.”

“Your first day in the temple with mother, you were so excited, Luke was so proud. I tore apart his quarters. And then somebody reached out to me. The anger I tried to hide for so long had called out to Snoke. He found me and told me the truth, the truth about our grandfather, about my real destiny. All I had to do was be strong. Through strength I gain power.”

The relief he had felt when he learned he wasn’t all wrong after all. Of course nothing had come easy to him; he had been swimming against the current. His anger wasn’t his weakness it was his greatest strength. His real weakness was Ben Solo himself, he had to die so Kylo Ren could live. 

“I took you from the temple one day. I wanted to show you something. You loved to hear our parents’ stories about the rebellion. There was a part of an old star cruiser not too far from the temple. I wasn’t going to hurt you, I don’t think I was. But maybe, maybe there would be an accident…”

“Oh Ben you said when you saw it. You were so excited, you felt no fear. You grabbed my hand and tugged me along. We stayed out there for hours exploring. Climbing and jumping. You slipped once…but before you fell I reached out and grabbed you. When we got back everyone was furious, and mother knew. She sent me away. I didn’t let you fall, but maybe I had thought about it. Maybe I would next time.”

“She was right to send me away. I wasn’t strong enough to leave myself.”

“Ben. It was the first word you ever said. Luke laughed as he put you in my arms. Your mother frowned, she never liked me much, but I didn’t kill her. I promise it wasn’t me…Ben you cried.”

“I’ve been training for this day for over a year, the day I would face my past, and destroy it…Through power I gain victory…It was all going as Snoke had planned. Luke was away, the remaining Jedi were caught off guard. I don’t know who I killed, I didn’t see their faces. There were bodies all around. Ben you cried…Ben please. One of my knights was standing over you ready to strike, and I didn’t even think, I just cut him in two.”

“I hated you…and you loved me. You followed me everywhere. I couldn’t shake you no matter how hard I tried. When I was angry you tried to make me laugh. When I threw something you picked it up. You looked up at me…and your eyes…you looked at me the way Luke looked at you. Everywhere I went there you were, expecting something from me. Ben tell me a story, Ben put me on your shoulders, Ben show me how to hold my lightsaber, Ben, Ben, BenBenBenBenBEN! Ben you cried.”

He raised a hand to his face and wasn’t surprised to feel that his cheeks wet with tears. Emotions weren’t a weakness for a Sith, except for when they were. It was easier being Kylo Ren, but it wasn’t easy. Everything always had to be a struggle for him in the end. He knew he was where he was supposed to be now. It felt right…except for when it didn’t. He was still weak but he had been strong enough today.

“It’s okay. It’s okay. It was a messy fight. There was so much death. I doubt even Luke will be able to sense that you slipped away…there are lots of little bodies around…and your mother. I’m sorry you saw that, really I am.”

He reached out and brushed stray hairs away from her face. “Revan is a good name after all. I’m not strong enough to kill you but I can hide you, even from yourself. Luke will be broken, just like Snoke wanted, it’s still a victory. I can still get stronger. Through victory my chains are broken, and the Force shall set me free. But for right now, for a few hours I can be Ben Solo one last time.”

He took Revan’s hand and smiled. “I found a good hiding place. It’s called Jakku. It’s where one of the last great battles between the new republic and the old empire took place. There’s wreckage all over. Even a Star Destroyer, it’s twice the size of that old cruiser we explored. I was happy that day you know. You won’t remember but I want you to know I was happy. And it’s a desert planet just like Tatooine. You’ll be happy there. I’ll come back when I’m strong enough. Strong enough to kill you, or maybe I’ll be strong enough to train you. We can fulfill our family’s destiny together. Luke was too weak to rule the galaxy, but maybe you won’t be.”

Ben placed his hands on either side of Revan’s face. He could feel the Force flowing between them. “Your name is Rey. Your family is in a lot of danger so they have to hide you for awhile. They love you very much. You’ll never doubt their love for you. They are hiding you to protect you but they will come back, you are sure of it. You just have to wait in the spot you were left. The longer you’re away from that spot the more anxious you become, because your family could come back at any moment. You’re being brought to Jakku by your brother Ben, he loves you most of all. After he leaves you, the memory of him will fade, like the memories of the rest of your family but the feelings of love and security will stay. He will be back for you. In the mean time you have lots to keep you busy. Relics of the war are all around you, and you will spend hours pretending to be apart of your favourite stories. Your name is Rey, and you have a family that loves you.”

Nothing had ever come easy to Ben until that moment. He could feel Revan slip away with no resistance. He leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead. Rey’s eyes fluttered opened. She looked up at him with love and trust, just as Revan had.

“Ben?” she said.


End file.
